Today's Thoughts: A Tribute to the Hands-On Dad, the Unsung Heroes of Parenting

Why I am writing this post: because I love and appreciate my husband. Because in the "Mommy Wars" of social media, we often neglect to recall the good stuff. And with that, comes the importance and value of the role of a Dad in a kids life. I tell my husband every time I am giving him a compliment about what a rockstar new Dad he is, that I have mad respect for single parents who have to play both roles. I know that I am capable of doing it, but I can't imagine what it's like. I am blessed to have a man who loves me, loves our little family, and loves being a Dad. So this is a tribute to all Dad's, but more personally, it's a tribute to Matt. 


Recently, this photo went viral of a Dad, well, being a Dad...

Awesome, right? Totally adorable, sweet, endearing, and any other synonym you can find to describe this moment. However, what was the best to me about this, more than this incredible Dad who "gets it", was his response. He said, (and I'm paraphrasing), that this should not be shocking or amazing ... That it should be the norm. He was on paternity leave in this picture, and his wife was getting ready. He took on the task, because it's what you do. This man is Doyin Richards, and please visit his blog if you have a chance: daddydoinwork.com. 

MY AWESOME HUSBAND.

I've said before that becoming parents made me see my husband in a new way, and has only strengthened my love of him in watching him become a Dad. But the older that Parker gets (she's almost 6-months old now, AHH!!), the more I see him doing, and the more I appreciate how much he loves to be a hands-on Dad. 

That's not to say that he wasn't doing a lot before now... He's been hands-on since MINUTE ONE (he cut the cord, quite literally). But I recognize the amount of what he does more now. That comes from hearing and reading stories about Dads who are the opposite of my husband. Dad's who have never gotten up in the middle of the night, Dad's who have never changed a diaper, Dad's who don't know how to give a baby bath... Dad's who think of parenting as the Mom's responsibility. Or Dad's who think that they'll be more involved when their kids are a little older and will remember it more. It may seem like these ideas are antiquated and the minority... But really, based on my observations, they are more normal than we may think.

Well, I am here to say now: DADS! DON'T LET THIS BE YOU! 

One of my very favorite stories of my own Dad being a hands-on Dad is a memory that I only know from what I've been told. I was too young to really remember it. But to this day, it means the most to me, because it is solid proof that my Dad was right there in the middle of it from the very beginning. 

My parents were working hard to save money when we were very young. My Dad would get up at 4 AM and to go work so that he could come home earlier, and my Mom took the night shift and would work at night. Leaving my Dad to do dinner and bedtime routines with babies. To some men, this would be terrifying. And I am sure that at some point, it may have been for my Dad, as well. Father's don't have the "maternal instinct" that kicks in like mothers do. And that's okay, as long as they realize that it is a skill that must be honed, just like anything else. I DIGRESS...

Because my Dad was in charge from around 5 PM up until bedtime, he became very skilled at everything that went on in the evening routine. One of those tasks, being a father of 2 little girls, was painting nails! Apparently, when we were little, my mom had offered to paint our nails. Our response to my mother, "Mom, do you know how to paint fingernails?!" ..... ;) 

It might not have been instinctual, but it became the norm. My Dad was very hands-on. He is absolutely one of those guys that you look at and say "Awwww...." when he's holding a baby, because he's just so comfortable doing it. 

And to make Freud proud, when looking for a husband, that is subconsciously a trait that I was looking for. Fortunately for me - I found that in my husband. I remember hearing stories early on about how he was comfortable with little kids. Matt says, "Little kids and puppies". Basically, all things baby. He loved them, he wasn't scared of them, he wanted them of his own. That was something I was looking for, it was something I found, and it's something I am blessed to live with on a daily basis. 

WHAT DOES HE DO TO MAKE HIM SO AWESOME?

Matt has a crazy job. He works in the freight forwarding/logistics business, which means that his job really never ends. He's been known to be on the phone at all hours of the day, or up at ridiculous hours of the early morning checking on shipments ... This was a bit of a red flag for me, because he also comes fully equipped with a work ethic that I love and share; but that means that he's willing to put in the time and effort to get the job done. I was worried that he wouldn't be able to find a way to split his time between work and family so that he could give his family the time I felt he needed to give in order to be present and impactful to his kids. 

Well, to say that in the early months it was easy, would be a lie... It wasn't. I was dealing with a weird transition post-partum, but so was Matt. His transition was just in a different way, which I didn't always give him enough credit for. We had many discussions about what his role would be, and what his "home" responsibilities would be. It was tough to find a way to make it all work. And then it just clicked. 

First of all, while I was nursing, Matt didn't use that as an excuse to sleep through the night while I woke up 4-10 times to feed P. He would get up with me. He would go get her, change her diaper, and bring her out to me, while I got myself all prepped to feed. He has an uncanny ability (which I am SUPER envious of) to fall asleep in a matter of seconds. 

No joke: I will literally be mid-sentence and look over after 5 words and he's passed out and snoring. It's truly not fair. 

So he knew that even if he was getting up for those 5 or so minutes that it took to do what he did, that I'd be up even longer feeding her, and he would immediately go back to sleep once his head hit the pillow. He shared the pain. When we were in the hospital, I didn't change a single diaper. Matt did every single one of them. He got in plenty of real-life practice, because he changed every newborn dirty diaper for 3 straight days right after she was born. He recognizes when I am at my wit's end and I need a break... and he gives that to me. He is comfortable with her, he knows what to do, and he's more than willing to jump in and take care of it. I may be revoking his "man-card" in saying this, but he even uses the word "cute" on a fairly consistent basis in regard to Parker's mannerisms and ... her clothes ;) I think he really enjoys picking out her outfits, and feels quite proud when he picks an awesome one. 

I. LOVE. IT. 

6-MONTHS IN...

Every day, Matt wakes up and immediately gets Parker. One of his favorite parts of the day is getting to be the first one to see her, because she is quite adorable and hilarious first thing in the morning. He gets her out of bed, changes her, and then they hang out in our bathroom together while he starts to get ready for work. He gives me a bit of time to get moving (because I am NOT a morning person), to make her bottle, to make the coffee... And I go grab her when I have it all together. 

As soon as he gets home from work, he's in Dad Mode. He greets everyone (usually dogs first, because they bum-rush him at the door and are frantic if he doesn't acknowledge them immediately), and then takes over. He plays, he's now feeding her food at dinner time, he gives her a bath, puts her PJ's on, gives her a bedtime bottle, and puts her to bed. That's a very special time of day, because it's all about Daddy-Parker bonding. Yes, I do it when he's home late or out of town, but 99.9% of the time: it's all Matt. And I'm not sure that he'd have it any other way. 

Most nights, I have to convince him to put Parker in her crib. She always falls asleep in his arms. I look over and catch him just staring at her. Because I am an emotional basket case these days, it usually makes me tear up (I even am a little bit as I write this!), because I can see just in those short glances and simple, sweet moments, how much he loves this tiny person that is ours. 

FINAL THOUGHTS.

Everyone realizes as they grow up just how important a Dad is. To both boys and girls. A father, or a morally strong and constant male presence, is critical for kids. This is not at all to say that women can't be just as strong a presence, or that they cannot fill the void. But, there is something so different about the presence of a burly and calming man to make a kid feel safe. 

My dogs react differently to Matt than they do me. My baby reacts differently to Matt than she does me. Parker acts differently with my Dad, with Matt's Dad, with my Grandfather, than she does when any other woman is holding her. It's not a political statement. It's not me saying that the antiquated male/female roles of the 50s are where it's at. IT'S BIOLOGICAL. We are not the same. And that's a good thing. 

This post is not an attack on single parents. This post is not an attack on Dad's who don't play such an involved role. This post is not an attack on non-traditional family situations. This post is a tribute to the Dad's who are hands-on. Who see and value the importance of their role in their children's lives. Who are taking the time and effort to create a relationship with their kids, knowing that they are the man their sons will emulate, and the man their daughters will compare every other man to. They understand how valuable that is, and take advantage in the best way.

MOST IMPORTANTLY: this post is my way of putting in to lots of words how thankful I am to have the husband that I have. I cannot imagine doing this without him. We even both just said this morning, I COULD... I am capable. But I wouldn't want to. Watching him embrace his role as a Dad, to enjoy it, to FIND the joy in it, and to strengthen it every day... melts my heart and brings out a love for him that I never knew possible. 

One day, when Parker is older, she is going to love hearing stories about her hilarious bath times with Dad. About their conversations in their crazy dinosaur/muppet sounding language that only the two of them can understand. About how I would look over at them on the couch, and catch him staring at her. And she will know that she is loved. She will know that she is protected. She will know that she has always had, and always will have, a man that she can count on to support her and stand by her side, for the rest of her life. Her standards will be pretty high ... So this is fair warning to all future romantic prospects. ;) 

She may only be 6-months old right now (almost!), but he is already setting that tone. He is already building that trust, that relationship... And that to me, is the most romantic and beautiful thing I could ever imagine. 

Today's Thoughts: An Artist of Faith

For a while now, I've wanted to write a post about why and/or how it seems that we've come to a place in our western thinking world that art and faith are two mutually exclusive ideas. This thought has perplexed me for quite some time, and then, in true form, I began reading this book this morning. Timing is everything, and you always find what you're looking for when you least expect it ... This book that I received for Christmas by default through my family's attempt at a White Elephant gift exchange (I traded and ended up with this book.... SO lucky for me!), is the exact motivation I needed to find a central theme for my thoughts:

                         

The book is: SOULPANCAKE: Chew on Life's Big Questions, by Rainn Wilson. He, along with two buddies, is responsible for the greatness that is SoulPancake.com. According to Rainn, his goal in creating this website was to give people a place to explore creativity, spirituality, and philosophy. I am really not sure how I have not come to learn more about this until now, as that basically sums up my search for meaning in a nutshell. But, I was lead to read it today, and it could not have been more perfectly timed. 

All that I have done so far is read his introduction, and begin flipping through the rest of the book. I cannot wait to delve deeper into his creative genius, because his intro was SO inspiring to me, and rang a bell that I have been hunting down for quite some time now. ART and FAITH are not mutually exclusive... The two go hand-in-hand. Rainn explains a bit about his life: his trippy childhood with Baha'i' parents, to his youthful ignorance of "theatre is my religion" mentality during his college days... To his (sadly) far-too-often formerly religious actor turning to "Sex, Drugs, and Rock-n-Roll" phase, to fill the void he was feeling... And ultimately, after scary drug related circumstances, his search for faith and meaning in The Creator; The Divine. 

After reading this introduction, I popped open my Facebook app for a hot minute. The first several updates to appear on my newsfeed: the tragic breaking story of Phillip Seymour Hoffman's death by overdose. For YEARS... Ever since he played Dusty in my secret (now, not-so-secret) guilty pleasure flick, Twister, I have been artistically and creatively in love with PSH.

COMPLETE SIDE NOTE: just to further emphasize how much I loved the movie Twister, and more importantly, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, I have actually found and traveled to the complete middle of nowhere town of Wakita, OK - which is now entirely dedicated to the movie - in an attempt to find Aunt Mae's house... Yep. That's where I am at with that.

One of my all time favorite movie quotes is from his character in Almost Famous...

"The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone else when you're uncool." 

I can not imagine the actor sphere without him in it. Synecdoche, New York is one of the most incredibly moving and metaphorical films I've ever seen, and all because of him. He did things with the roles that he played that were unparalleled. He played such a giant span of DIFFERENT and unique characters. And tragically, but all to commonly, he died in his apartment, due to drug overdose. Artists are more often paired with drugs and alcohol, or other various sinful habits, than they are faith. And today, more than ever, I am asking myself, WHY?!?

When you are an artist, you are willingly entering into a world that you know comes fully equipped with judgement, criticism, low-income, low-success rate, the elusive "big break" that many of us will never see... It is a lifestyle that you must truly LOVE in order to be prepared to manage all of the negativity that comes with it. It seems to me, that more so than most other professions, turning to faith (of any kind!) makes more sense for an artist. But instead of diving head first into asking these philosophical questions that we are challenged with in our studies of acting, actors (and other various forms of artists) become focused on the next big thing; paycheck, better agent, better role, and so forth, and so on... We make a decision somewhere along the way that because of our inherent persecution, that we must supplement that with bad behavior. 

I am completely guilty of this. As a college student, I became completely swept up in the idea. I quit listening to everything I was taught while I was growing up, and put all of my eggs into the artist basket. I made poor choices, I quit regularly attending church after my first semester... And it wouldn't be until after college that I started attending church again. I turned my back on these morals and ideas that I found so important during my adolescence. And all the while, I felt an emptiness... I felt like something was missing. I was constantly confused, finding great difficulty in making important decisions, and usually turning to something I would not approve of as a formerly religious human to make myself happy again. 

And then I did a bit of growing up. 

I am by no means saying that all artists need to be Christians. Especially in our current world where we find ourselves defending our religious and spiritual beliefs on a daily basis. But what does the word SPIRITUALITY mean to you? What does it mean to you to have belief in something bigger than your comprehension? 

I again quote Rainn in his introduction, "Doesn't there need to be a source to the mystery of it all? I mean, you can't kinda be pregnant. You either are or you aren't. It seemed to me that God was the same: there either is or there isn't a creator." 

What would our artistic world be like if instead of turning to drugs for greater, mind-altering meaning, we turned to faith? We posed BIG questions, and used our art to find the answers? Seems to me we'd be a lot healthier, lose a lot less great and important artists "for the greater good", and in general - all have a much more positive and human approach to life. 

GOD IS LOVE. Love what you do, love yourself. I love being a Teaching Artist. I love Theatre and all that it has to offer. I love what the power of a live theatrical performance can do to transform an audience. I love that music evokes emotion that you didn't even know existed. But I also feel many of those same things when I am sitting (or standing) in a room full of people who are outwardly showing their praise and FAITH in The Creator. That is a feeling that cannot be explained by anything other than experience. And this is coming from a tried and true Catholic girl who has spent her past (almost) year "trying out" more churches that I can count, in an attempt to find a place of worship that my husband and I can both agree on. The commonality in all of my visits: the positive outlook I have when I leave. No matter where I am that Sunday morning, I am motivated and inspired to DO, to CREATE, and to LOVE. 

That is part of what it means to have faith. That you are a faithful citizen of the world and your goal is not to harm those whose beliefs are in opposition of yours, but to learn more. I am always seeking knowledge. That is part of what being an artist means to me.

RIP, Phillip Seymour Hoffman. I am sad that your time ended far too soon in a far too predictably uninspiring manner for the great capacity of your talented life. You will forever serve as an inspiration for me in many different ways. 

My advice for all artists: 

Find your faith. In whatever spiritual journey you may lead, realize your worth. You will be pleasantly surprised by what transcendence you find in becoming a spiritual being. 

Oh. And read Rainn Wilson's book. Soulpancake for the win ;)