Well..... after almost 5 months of being a SAHM, I can tell you now with close to 99% certainty: I was fooled! In all fairness, I would not change this experience for the world. I am so happy and feel extremely blessed that I've had the opportunity to spend so much time at home with my baby girl. So much has changed in 5 short months, and I am extremely happy that I have not missed out on these special moments. I will never get it back; I would not change it for the world. But... I am a better me when I am busy. The busy that having a job requires. Having a baby is BUSY. It is stressful, it is exhausting, and it's constant. But it is a completely different kind of busy. It is a busy that I really have zero control over. Sure, every single day is different and there is very little time spent sitting at a desk (two things I always swore I would find in a career) - but when this little tiny person is the driving force in my daily plan, and I have very little control over that plan ... I start to crumble.
I was told recently that my personality is great, it's one to be envied, but it is also my downfall. In the past, I have used my being busy and micromanaging every single minute of my day to avoid dealing with "issues" ... blah, blah, blah. Psycho-babble, but also very true. But I like to think that I just function better when I am busy. When it's a busy that I have control over. When I have a task, I work towards achieving that task, and I can see the end result. I need that affirmation to feel like a success. As a Mom - you don't get that. You have to be someone who can humble them self enough to know that your affirmation is mostly going to be intrinsic. Very little does one walk into your house and say something like, "Oh my gosh I cannot believe how clean your house is! And how well mannered your dogs are, and your baby is so kind and sweet, and you have done all of the dishes, and you have baked cookies and prepared a full meal for a family of 8, and you have fresh groceries in the fridge, and everyone is clean, fed, happy, and you did this all in one day? Wow!"
.......... sometimes I need to hear that to feel like what I've done with my day is of worth. But it just isn't the case. And I'm not sure that I'm cut out for it!
THE SAHM IDENTITY CRISIS
I've come to learn that when you chose to be a SAHM, for the very first time, after a life of identifying your self by your career, your social life, and your "things", it becomes INCREDIBLY difficult to answer the question, "Who are you?"
I asked myself that question one day last week. Every word I used to describe myself began with "Well, I was..." or "Well, I used to..." but I had a very tough time finding the words to identify who I am NOW. Who I am after having a baby, and making the decision to stay at home with her for her first year of life. Who does that make me? It makes me Parker's mom. It makes me Matt's wife. It makes me Bear and Domino and Duck's caretaker. But all of that is based on what I do for other people... Who am I really?
Then I kept going and got real deep.... When I was working 60+ hours a week, every single activity I participated in was for the benefit of someone else. Other than my weekend social outings, which were clearly for me to de-stress from the activities at work. But I was still doing things for others. I was doing it for my students, for their parents, to please the administration... Difference: I was able to visually witness my success. I saw the growth of my program, I saw the success of my productions, I won awards, I received accolades from coworkers, I was told on a daily basis how what I was doing was so great and so important.
Now, I tell myself that every time I feel like I am going to throw a lamp into a wall... But when it's 10:30 AM and I am covered in spit up, and still in my PJ's, and on my fifth cup of coffee, it's REALLY not very easy to say "You're important!"
But what is more important that being a parent? After having been a teacher for many years, you see a huge behavioral difference in your students who have parents that make it a priority to participate in their children's lives, versus those who do not. Yes there is always an exception to this, but the majority of behavior issues in kids (from my experience) starts at home. I know that I am helping Parker in the long run by making her a priority in my life, and by making her life my priority.
DESPITE KNOWING ALL OF THIS...
I still don't feel like I am the kind of person who can be a SAHM for much longer. I yearn to be back in a position where I am teaching, directing, and witnessing my accomplishments. The most useful thing that I've been able to take from my time at home (professionally speaking, that is), is that I have had TONS of time to think about what I want out of my career. I want the best of both worlds: I want to be involved in my career to a point that I feel content in my professional life, but I want to make sure that I am active and available for my family. I want to do both. Is there such a thing? Well, people do it all the time, so clearly there is.
I feel so lucky every day for the people who are in my life that let me "talk it out" every time I am needing a little kick in the pants to find my motivation... I have made a big decision about what I want to do, and now's the time to make it happen! What better time than now? :)
MORAL OF THE BLOG POST IS.... I give a HUGE KUDOS to those who can be a SAHM and find every bit of affirmation that you need in doing so. I wish that I could find that same happiness in this, the most difficult job I've ever had in my life. You are rockstars, and you are wonderful. But, I will be finding ways to balance my need to work and my need to be a Mom.
No excuses, play like a champion.
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