Today's Thoughts: How Being a Mom Has Changed Me

OH LET ME COUNT THE WAYS...!!

Other than the obvious, I feel like I am a completely different person than I was a year ago. I am still me, still Jenna... but being a mother has made me a better version of myself. Before becoming a parent, when one falls in love, it is sometimes said that the one you love makes you a better person. Cheesy, albeit truthful, until you have a child. Matt made me a better person in the sense that he was making me better prepared to be a mother. He was showing me how to love myself, so that I could show Parker how to do the same.

Before I start crying, which is something else that happens FAR too often now, let me regroup and make a list! That is what I am good at :)

HOW I'VE CHANGED:

1. My sense of self is dramatically different.
2. The things that were once important to me, are not anymore.
3. The topics that are important to me are things I never dreamed I'd think about.
4. SHOPPING TRIPS .... 
5. My relationship with my husband is new.
6. My relationship with my parents, and my in-laws, has changed.
7. Friendships I once cherished, have faded.
8. My outlook on life..... Duh.

If you read that list and think, well OBVIOUSLY those things would change when you become a parent... Come on, Jenna! Then yes, you are correct. I was told that all of the above would change, as well. I was told that my life would be different yet better, and yadda yadda yadda! But here's what they don't tell you: 

You never realize just how selfish you were, until you have a baby.

I don't mean selfish in a negative way, necessarily. But even when it was just Matt and I (and our fur babies), I really had no one to think about but myself. Sure I had to make sure I fed the dogs, and that Matt and I maintained our happy relationship, and that my apartment was clean, and MY laundry was done, and MY dinner was made, and MY after work run was had, and MY MY MY..... Sensing a trend? I woke up, took care of myself, and what mattered to me, and that was it. My life was surrounded by things that made ME content and made ME feel fulfilled. 

I have only been a mom for 4 months... This by no means makes me an expert, clearly, because my experience is far too small a range. I am learning every single day. And I love it. My academic learning pales in comparison ... because right now I am really learning about who I am, and who I want to be. And this itty bitty little person is the one that is responsible for it all! (she will be pictured below, I can't post about how awesome she is without giving photographic proof!)

Shall I elaborate? BUT OF COURSE! That is what my blog is for, after all ;)

HOW MY RELATIONSHIPS HAVE CHANGED

I'm not quite sure that I can put into words just how much my relationships have changed. Every relationship I've had in my life is different in some way, and they will continue to go through phases and change as I do the same. But let me go ahead and try.

Friendships: one of the first things I was told upon discovering I was pregnant, was that I would lose friendships (this wisdom was passed down from friends whom I love, who are recent mothers, and whose friendships I had strayed from - not intentionally - because they were mothers). It is not something you plan on. I even told myself, if I make the effort, I'll keep all of my friendships! Well, sadly... that is just not the case. When you are no longer spending your weekends out on the town, bar hopping, and rocking killer 6" heels (which I do miss!), the friends that you enjoyed those crazy nights with kind of disappear. As a big ole preggo, you become slightly uninspired to go out and socialize, especially if you are 9 month pregnant in the worst heat of a Texas summer! I tried. Oh how I tried! But it just wasn't the same. Friends who have not been through pregnancy and childbirth really don't want to talk much about it, and it's kind of all I wanted to talk about. I am now closer with my "mommy friends". I have rekindled 10-year hiatus friendships because we have new babies and therefore, much more in common. It is a sad reality, but it is what happens. Sometimes I am upset by it, especially when I do make social attempts and they are shot down... But then I have to remember that in the grand scheme of things, the friends that stick around are the ones that I care about keeping. 

Parents/In-laws: This one actually surprised me the most. I feel like my relationship with my parents and my in-laws has been a crazy roller coaster ride. But the ups and downs have lead to one sweeping realization: My respect for them has increased 10 FOLD. Being a parent is BY FAR the most challenging "job" I've ever had. And I taught middle school theatre for 5 years! The one thing that I am very happily taking away from my changed relationship with my elders (teehehe) is how much I respect them for raising multiple children, and making it look so easy. I love their guidance, even when it is unwarranted, because obviously I turned out okay (although, this could be debated). They must have done something right ;)

Husband: this will be tough to verbalize. Not because our relationship has changed for the worse, that is a completely false statement. Even though our romance may have faded in the sensationalized sense of the word, our idea of romance has changed. I look at Matt now from a new perspective. A very smart friend of mine said, nothing makes you love your husband more than watching him become a father. SO. TRUE. You tend to choose your partner because biologically, you are looking for someone to procreate with, that you would like to start a family with. It hasn't been easy. This is a huge test of your love and support. But in the end, it makes us SO much better. We are more aware of each other's emotional needs, and we are more conscious of the importance of "the little things". I am constantly in awe of Matt, how much he is doing for our family, and how much he loves Parker. I didn't think it was possible to love him more, but I do.

SHOPPING TRIPS!

This will be short and sweet, because it's VERY easy to explain how this has changed. I no longer enjoy shopping for myself. Well, that's a lie... I'm sure that will change again once I am able to fit into my pre-baby clothes more consistently! But even when I go out with the intention of buying something for me, I end up buying 5 things for Parker instead. I LOVE SHOPPING FOR PARKER... I love buying her clothes, shoes, hair bows, bedroom decor, toys, etc. The ability to impart my personal style onto this little human to one day embrace as her own, is really exciting to me. And baby clothes are the cutest thing in the world. 

WHAT I CONSIDER "IMPORTANT"

This has changed the most. From the topics that I research and pay attention to, to the activities that I participate in, everything is different. 

It's taken me this long (4 months now) to remember what I enjoyed doing post-baby. Maybe that's not healthy, and it's taken a while to get to this point, but hey - I put her first. Always. But the activities I considered important before, have taken a new meaning. I am doing yoga and running again. But not 100% for me - although these things do make me very happy. I want to set a good example of health and fitness for Parker. I am finding myself embracing the hobbies I once loved that I was able to do at home, because I am a new SAHM. I used to HATE cleaning. We're talking, LOATHE... in all forms. Now, I find myself cleaning my house at least 3 times a week, because I don't want parker eating dog hair out of the carpet, or putting dusty toys in her mouth. Not to mention that I am washing bottles upwards of 10X per day. It's still a challenge for me to find things that I enjoy doing where I can leave Parker at home, but right now, I want to spend as much time with her as humanly possible. We are starting a Mommy & Me Yoga class on Friday and I CANNOT. WAIT. Staying out at the bar until close? Not so enticing anymore. New Years Eve this year? We partied at home until 9:30 PM - when Parker crashed. I had to wake up Matt at midnight for a NYE kiss. And it was glorious.

I have always loved staying up to date on current events, politics, the entertainment industry, etc. But now I look at it all with mommy-colored glasses. This probably makes sense, because I think of how things effect us as a family, how it will effect Parker's future, and what I want P watching or listening to as she forms her own opinions and interests as a quickly growing human being. I never in a million years thought I'd be dedicated an entire blog post to breast-feeding... rewind to 2 days ago, and there we have it!

ME. MY OUTLOOK. MY SENSE OF SELF.

I made it a huge goal this year to embrace my new physical self. It's been extremely difficult for me, because I gained more in inches and LBs during pregnancy than I had expected to. I was not one of those pregnant ladies who was "all belly"... I was all belly, hips, butt, thighs, boobs, shoulders, feet, face... I showed pregnant EVERYWHERE. Because I am such a small person (by height, at least), carrying around more weight than normal is very challenging, especially since I've never been this size in my entire life. I am not obese. I am not unhealthy. I am just much bigger than I am used to. But I am learning to embrace this new me. I am learning to dress my new body, and I am easing back into a new fitness routine. It is something that I can very easily talk about, but have had the most difficulty in living out. Parker looks at me as if I am the most beautiful lady she's seen in her life... So I am trying to look at myself the same way!

I never really looked at the future on such a grand scale. My "future" was like a 5-year plan. Now - my future is from now to retirement and then some. I have a little person who for the next 18 years (if I'm lucky) will depend on me for practically everything. But as my mom always says, just because your kids leave the house, doesn't mean you ever stop being their mom. I am a mom for life. I have to think about the needs of this person before my own. It's not something you really consider to be a challenge until all you want to do is get those 10 extra minutes of "snooze" from your alarm, but the baby is UP and ready to go. 

A month before Parker was born, I made the extremely scary decision to quit my job and be a Stay at Home Mom. Scary because I LOVED my job. Being a teacher was all I had wanted to do since my senior year of high school. I intentionally majored in Theatre and Education so that I could become a theatre teacher. I went to the best state school in Texas (yes I said it! hook 'em!) with the best program for preparing theatre teachers. I was hired at the ripe age of 21 to open a brand new school and build a program. I did it, on my own, I took SO MUCH pride in my work, and I valued my students more than I think they'll ever realize. They helped me grow up, they helped make me who I am. I became very close with my school family, and I miss them dearly. Leaving my job and staying home has put me in kind of an identity crisis. What am I without my job? How do I define success? Where do I get my accolades from now that there is no physical proof of my success? 

I am still finding the answers to those questions. 4 months is definitely not enough time to have it ALL figured out! I don't know what I want to do, or where I will end up professionally, but I am so thankful that I have this time to figure it out. To learn and discover what is really important to me, and to have the opportunity to "reinvent" myself. 

This is probably one of my longer posts... and I am shocked that I am finding a way to end these thoughts. These new trends in my life are in a constant state of change. It keeps me on my toes, and I know that I will most likely not find complacency as long as I remember where I started, and where I am now. Some of these new things are more challenging to embrace, but I am loving where motherhood has taken me. I will never look back and regret my time at home with P, I will never look back and regret the fact that my body has changed, that I've lost friends, or that my ability to go out and buy $250 worth of LOFT clothing for myself every month no longer exists... Because Parker is the most amazing gift I have ever received. She is a 15 lb bundle of inspiration. I thank God every day for allowing me to be her mother.