- I am an advocate of breastfeeding. More importantly, I am an advocate of feeding your baby.
- This post will undoubtedly be T.M.I. If boobs, nipples, boobs as food (or not), or the mere mention of the word BREASTFEEDING sends you into the "eww gross" zone - You should probably stop reading now.
- I will more than likely offend someone with this post. That is not my intention, but I'm just throwing that out there before I begin...
INTRODUCTION:
Let's go back to what it was like to be pregnant for the first time ever. You are constantly freaking out about something, most of the time, those freak outs are totally out of your control due to the crazy hormones and whatnot. But the amount of information that is out there and readily available is enough to send anyone not sharing a body with a second life form into a tailspin. I get dizzy just thinking about everything that I read while I was pregnant, in an attempt to "prepare" myself for motherhood.
FYI - there is only so much preparation you can do until you are actually experiencing it firsthand. Learned that one pretty quickly.
Making the decision to breastfeed or not breastfeed is an EXTREMELY personal decision. It is good to learn as much as you can, because when it comes down to it, the decision is yours to make. Not only is it extremely personal because of the nature of the activity of nursing itself, but extremely personal because of the implications that breastfeeding carries.
I felt compelled to write this post because of my own personal experience with breastfeeding, and how it has made me feel since choosing to stop nursing and begin formula feeding. I have now experienced life on both sides of the fence, and I feel that gives me pretty good insight into both sides of the nursing argument.
MY ADVENTURES IN BREASTFEEDING...
This is the part of my post that will begin to get more and more TMI... WARNING! I am giving you time to stop reading now if you feel like you're not going to make it!
I knew before being pregnant was even a remote possibility that I was going to struggle with breastfeeding. I am inverted... you know when a girl gets cold and you can see "headlights"? Yeah, that has never happened to me. So, as soon as I understood basic anatomy and how nursing worked - I knew that this was something I would have issues with. I've been pretty self-conscious and paranoid about it since I was about 12 years old. My entire pregnancy I did as much research as I could to figure out what I could do to make nursing a possibility for me. I pumped before Parker was born in an attempt to "pull the nipple out". I felt myself up more than I think I've ever even looked at my own boobs in the weeks leading up to my delivery ... all in an attempt to make my nipples "more adept" to nursing. I had serious anxiety over this, all before P was even physically in my arms.
She was born. TA-DA! While in the hospital, I told the nurses that I wanted to nurse. I was given help from a nursing consultant. She came by exactly 3 times while I was in the hospital. The nurses attending to me tried to offer as much help as possible. I was given a shield (which was the wrong size, I would later learn) to try to make latching easier for P. I was told, however, that nursing with a shield was not something I should continue to offer because I needed to get P to latch on her own. This sent me into a state of panic and I immediately felt like a failure. Within the first few days of being home, I was in major tears every time I tried to feed Parker and I could not get her to latch without the shield. I took Parker to her 2-week check up with our Pediatrician. He gave me formula and told me to start supplementing because he was concerned about Parker dropping any more weight. We also discovered that P had Reflux, and that feeding (regardless of the method) was going to be a challenge no matter what I did. Cue panic attack #5.836 within my first 2 weeks of being a mom. As if there wasn't enough to worry about and feel like I was doing wrong - the one thing that SHOULD come naturally to me as a woman, DIDN'T...
We hired a nursing consultant after 2 weeks. She came to our house. She assessed both Parker and I while nursing (have I yet mentioned that at this point I am beginning to also feel like somewhat of a science experiment because of my unique "issues"?!) ... She tells me that Parker has a high palette, and that not only is that a challenge with normal nipples, but since she can't feel mine touching the top of her mouth to trigger her sucking reflex, the chances of her latching without a shield are basically impossible. She at least makes me feel better about using the shield, that I'm not doing anything wrong by nursing with it, because basically that's the only way that it's going to be possible for me to do so.
AND THEN ... as if there was anymore to pile on to the list of challenges we are already experiencing with nursing - my supply majorly dips around week 4... I am pumping for hours on end, barely getting out an ounce from each side. I am nursing Parker for upwards of 2 hours, and she is still hungry and clearly not getting enough. I am not experiencing a "let down", I am not having crazy explosions of milk when Parker breaks her latch, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, Parker is not getting enough to eat.
My mom and my sister bake me lactation cookies using brewer's yeast. I basically eat my weight in lactation cookies trying to increase my supply. I do everything I am instructed to do to produce more milk, but can't. Meanwhile, I am having to supplement throughout all of this because MY BABY ISN'T GETTING ENOUGH FOOD. The amount of pressure I feel to continue nursing, however, is what convinces me that I need to nurse - despite evidence in the contrary.
Even with the many, many challenges, the meltdowns (from both Parker and me), my poor, sweet husband being more knowledgeable about breastfeeding than any man I know of now, I stick it out and nurse Parker for 8 weeks. At that point, when I try to hand express I am getting tiny drops... Nothing is coming out. I have nothing to give, and I feel like a failure.
My "plan" was not to formula feed so early. My "plan" was to nurse for at least 6-months. My "plan" (much like my birth plan) went out the window. NEW PLAN: make sure Parker keeps her weight up, is fed, healthy, and happy.
THE JUDGEMENT
I experienced little judgement when I was nursing. I understand where the judgement comes from: nursing in public is a big one. To that I say, use a cover....? I have a really freaking cute nursing cover. Even with having to use a shield, I became a pro and sticking P under that thing, getting my shield in place. and letting her have at it. I was not comfortable myself nursing in public, but in the right setting (play group, doctors office, etc), I whipped out a boob - and the nursing cover. If you're feeling judgement while nursing, it is probably in the form of unfriendly looks and uncomfortable stares.
Here's where I have a problem... the judgement for formula feeders is INCREDIBLY harsh. The the point of me reading articles that basically tell you that your child will develop slowly and be less intelligent if you choose to formula feed vs breastfeed. WHAT IF IT ISN'T YOUR CHOICE? What if you can't?! But then on the flip side - what if it IS your choice?! WHO are you to tell me that my child will intellectually suffer because of baby formula? Just like modern medicine, have we not come SO FAR in the product that is provided? Regardless of how you came to the decision, the judgement placed on formula feeders implies that you are doing a disservice to your baby. That your baby will suffer behaviorally, intellectually, developmentally, because you made the horrible decision to feed them with formula. Regardless of the fact that I guarantee you Mothers in countries where actual HUNGER is an issue would do anything to get a case of formula for their sweet babies.
Yes. There is judgement on both sides. But as a nursing mother, the development of my child was never in question. Sure I may have received unwanted attention or dirty looks, but never did anyone come up to me and say "I bet if you were breastfeeding your baby she wouldn't be acting so fussy while she eats." (TRUE STORY ... someone said that to me while I bottle fed my baby near the bathrooms at the mall). "My baby has reflux you horrible human being" is what I wanted to say, but I could only stare blankly.
IN CONCLUSION ...
I made a post a while back about dealing with body issues post-baby. In that post I posed the question of why new moms can't just support and uplift each other in the difficult decisions and challenges that we are going through? And more so, why can veteran mothers not do the same to new moms? Case in point - we are all mothers. We all struggle with the same difficult choices, insecurities, feelings of guilt, questions, sleepless nights... I can go on but you get the point. Instead of making someone feel guilty about the choices that THEY have made to raise THEIR child, why can't we just support and say, good for you for doing what you need to do for you and your child so that you can both be happy and healthy? Because in the end - isn't that what is the most important? That is what I wish I saw more of while I was pregnant, a newlywed, and making the scary decision to leave my job to be a SAHM... I wish I saw more supportive blogs and articles about giving you leniency as you struggle through what being a mom is really all about.
Like I said before, you can only be so prepared until you are truly experiencing motherhood for yourself.
I support whatever decision you choose if you are doing it so that you and your baby are healthy and happy. I support you, even if the decision is not the same as mine.
If you can feel comfortable saying, "Don't judge a book by it's cover" in other areas of judgement in your life... Why can you not say that in regard to nursing? You never know what someone is going through, or how they came to the decision that they've made. Before you are quick to assume, take a moment to consider the fact that most people don't choose to feed their babies with a boob or with a bottle for negative reasons ... In general, we all want the same thing. So deal with the fact that it is an INDIVIDUAL decision, and move on.
It is not your place to judge. So just don't.
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